As we navigate our new normal of wearing masks, staying socially distant and gearing up for what will certainly be a long, and perhaps lonely winter, it becomes even more important to engage in regular self care. Exhaustion and burn out are at an all time high right now and it is certainly time we put ourselves under the microscope.  It can be easy to throw yourself into work as a distraction, or perhaps your work gives you a much needed sense of purpose.  Perhaps you are giving all of yourself to your children as they navigate virtual learning or even have taken on homeschooling in an effort to avoid possible contraction of the corona virus. You must remind yourself to not just be a professional machine here, but instead, embrace your human side. Take a breath, take a pause, and let's talk about what you can do for yourself. 

Keep in mind simple rituals will really make a difference in your mental well being on the day to day.  Some people will find comfort in relying on a spiritual practice while others will embrace daily meditation or exercise to get their mind clear and sound.  Participate in grounding activities, eat well, cook good, nutritious foods to fuel your body with the best you can give it. Give yourself the grace, and the space to connect back with yourself  so you can better be there for those that need you the most, including yourself.

We must also acknowledge that life as we once knew it has been ripped away from us for the foreseeable future. Grieve the ambiguous loss that you undoubtedly feel.  Loss of routine, socialization we were used to, general day to day interaction with people in person is a loss will take its toll so be sure to grieve that loss. Make a point to keep in touch with family, friends, anyone you would have normally seen on a regular basis.  Set up weekly virtual hangouts, phone calls, and video chats so you can stay connected to those you know and love. We will absolutely get through this, it is only a matter of time.  While we take that time, however, be sure to also, take care of yourself. 

​As we navigate our way through this new world filled with uncontrollable disease we are beginning to really see problems within our society in a whole new way. Disease that affects the soul as well as our immune systems is running rapid. Things have existed for centuries are now being brought to the surface and people are actually paying attention. When it comes to relationships we hold a lot of power within our own homes to create and reinforce the type of world we want to see around us. Modeling kindness within our homes will model the kindness we want to see in the world.
 
Let us make a daily practice to model and reinforce the type of behavior we want to see around us.  Offer moments that will create opportunities for your family members to practice compassion.  Small changes like donations, finding volunteer opportunities, offering an educational moment to our children so they may learn how to best offer their talents to those around them that may be less privileged will teach them about the world around them in a whole new way. Lets give our children more opportunity to make change to not only educate them but also ourselves as we attempt to change the world around us.
 
I challenge you to catch someone being kind.  Call attention to the behavior and start a tally. Find a mason jar and keep it in plain view within your home.  Encourage your family members to write down acts of kindness they have seen throughout the day.  Throw those slips of paper in that jar and watch it fill up over time. Hold a family meeting to go through the notes in the mason jar to encourage and nurture kindness in your children. Kindness requires action, and it certainly should start within the home. As we educate ourselves on the bigger issues in the world around us, take some time to instill the simplest of skills, one note at a time.  Let us change the world we live in and attempt to make it the kind of place that will be safe for all.

              ​Typically codependency is defined as one person enabling another, or as one person not being able to exist without defining themselves through someone else.  This is often a topic that comes up when discussing addiction or troubled relationships. A codependent person is completely reliant on others for approval and self-identity. While there is so much written on how to recognize codependency or how to rescue yourself from it, a more important conversation might be where it comes from.  The hard truth is codependency comes from parents not being able to parent appropriately.  In most cases the child has to become the care taker, taking care of the parent and their needs.  This is enmeshment and can be dangerous as the child explores relationships with family and with others.
            A harder truth to face is that codependency when it comes to parenting can actually be seen as a form of abuse. It is abusive for a parent to require a child to take care of them.  Yes,  parents do the best they can, and how they parent will often depend on how they were raised.  However there is a certain point where a person has to take responsibility for themselves and their behavior.  A person who is codependent simply does not have those skills. When a child has needs or wants and their parents aren’t there emotionally, the child feels abandoned.  They can not recognize their own needs or boundaries and have trouble forming and cultivating relationships. Typically people don’t know this is happening to them.  Being aware of your needs take practice. Once you realize that you are only ok if someone else is ok, you can start to face your co-dependency. 

Long term relationships can often go through ebs and flows.  Whether you have been married for 10 years and have a few kids or have made a commitment to one person long term, you are choosing to spend your life with that person. Should the days become too hectic and you find yourself passing each other like ships in the night, it is time to come ashore. Drop anchor and finally ask yourself, what is love?  What does love mean to me?  What does it mean to my partner?

Defining love will hold great power not only for yourself but also for your relationship.  You will gain a self awareness that perhaps you had not had before.  Understanding where your ideal love story came from and what it looks like may provide you with great joy.  At the very least it will provide you with a direction of what you want so you can also give your partner some direction.

Define what it is your partner needs to feel loved.  Ask them their feelings and what they want most from their partnership.  Give yourself direction to move in a positive trajectory to better your relationship. Understanding what your partner wants in love will also help you understand what they want in life.  Anchor your love by slowing things down and actually defining what that word means and how you can go about exercising it in your day to day life to nurture ad grow your relationship. 

Avoidance coping is an ineffective method of coping which includes an effort to completely avoid dealing with a situation or stressor.  This method tends to be utilized if the situation or stressor triggers an unpleasant memory or if the person coping fears conflict. Perhaps they have dealt with unpleasant conflict in the past and would prefer to avoid what could possibly be conflictual in the future. This can be extremely frustrating to one’s partner as it makes it almost impossible to have healthy discussions on important relationship issues.

If this is you, and you are merely trying to avoid your partner getting upset with you, or upset in general, know this is not the most effective way to do that.  If your partner is participating in avoidance coping, you will be all too familiar with the frustration this can cause.  Feeling stagnant in your relationship despite your best efforts can be a difficult place to be, for either partner. Avoiding confronting a problem in your relationship could actually be exacerbating the issue by not facing it head on and nipping future problems in the bud.
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People who are interested in a quick fix, or what works for them in the short term will often be more interested in avoidance coping.  People love staying in their comfort zones, and change can frankly be uncomfortable.  Avoiding one thing in your life will often have a domino effect, and other parts of your life will start to experience turmoil as well.  Break the cycle by facing your fears head on.  Sit down with your partner and really listen to the issues they feel exist in your relationship. Make a list of what needs to be dealt with to make your goals more tangible. Tackling what may seem like the easiest task will get you going and will provide a sense of accomplishment.  Once you get on a roll, it may be easier to face the issues you have been avoiding all this time. 

Setting goals often comes much easier than achieving them.  Often people will use milestones in their lives as an opportunity to set goals for themselves. These milestones may be a birthday or even New Years Eve as one can be reminded of all that has past and what you hope will lie ahead. This opportunity marks a moment for an individual to ask themselves that now that another year has passed, where do I stand?  These thoughts can be rejuvenating or send one into a downward spiral as one evaluates all they have done or have yet to do. Do not allow yourself to focus on the negative as this can be the best time to focus on your future and reevaluate your goals. Consider where you thought you would be at this time in your life? What have you achieved, what have you accomplished in your short time on this earth.  Make a list to remind yourself of all your accomplishments and be proud of yourself for all you have achieved so far. Focusing on the positive has been found to reset the brain, changing your overall outlook altogether. If you start to congratulate yourself for a job well done rather than chastise yourself for all you have not accomplished, you may actually be more likely to accomplish more moving forward. 

Take the time this year to put your goals on paper. Instead of worrying about the past, turn toward a hopeful future. First, make a list of goals you have for yourself over time. Separate your goals into short term and long term categories to better organize your thoughts. Divide your focus then onto each goal specifically.  What do you need to do to accomplish each goal?  How long do you realistically think it will take to accomplish each goal should you move forward with each step of your plan. Create a map for your set goals including steps to achieve each of your goals. Once you have transferred your ideas to paper and have your timeline set, it will be easier to hold yourself accountable for each goal set. Next, set regular check ins for yourself to help hold yourself accountable. Perhaps once a month will work best for you, or even once every three months. Check in with yourself to see what you have done to work towards your goals and perhaps what you can do differently during the next accountability period to stay on track for success. Your plan may change over time as you work to achieve your goals, but that is ok.  Change takes time and if you work for it, the pride you will feel as you work towards your goals will parallel the pride you feel once you have accomplished a set goal. You will have officially set yourself up to achieve more in the coming year by using productivity, accountability, and positivity.

Loving a person with a child means loving their child as well, and it may not be as easy a road as you would like. Step parenting  can unfortunately be a thankless job which is something you need to be aware of before entering a child's life.  There will be times you get to enjoy the joys, snuggles, and various successes your step child will experience in their life.  These are positive moments in your step child's life and it is a privilege to share with them. You may not be as recognized as their bioparents will be in these moments, but that does not mean you did not put in the work. Being a step parent means working just as a hard as a bioparent, but being satisfied with sitting on the sidelines, letting others enjoy the glory of the successes of the child. 

You are not the bioparent and will have to remind yourself of this on a regular basis.  Your step child should show you respect as an adult in their life, but their connection with you will be different than their connection with their bioparents.  This means you do not get to be the disciplinarian in their lives, it is not appropriate nor will they respect your words the way they will respect the rules and consequences set out by their bioparents.  It is more than ok to be a part of the discipline discussion so your stepchild can see that you and their bioparent are on the same page when it comes to discipline.  This just means you will be more of a silent partner, standing strong, and supporting your spouse while they lay down the law. Both the bioparent and the step parent are the adults in the household and therefore get to make the rules, however, the bioparent is the only one who gets to enforce the rules. 

You will be expected to provide for your stepchild, be that shelter, clothing, food, or whatever else they may need.  While legally this is not your responsibility, you will notice your bills will go up with an extra mouth to feed and an extra body to clothe living in your household. As a decent human being, you will find this is a responsibility you will eventually take on naturally, hopefully without complaint.  It is important to remember that your stepchild, like all children, is entitled to be provided for.  It is not their fault that their parent was a single parent when you met them, they should never hear about the stresses of your financial responsibilities. It is also not their fault if the bioparent outside of your household is either unable or unwilling to step up financially and is not something the child should ever hear about. 

Always be a safe space for your step child and be positive for them when they need it most.  While you are not the bioparent, you are an adult in their lives.  This provides the opportunity to be a support in a different way than a parent might be able to. Your step child may be going through some growing pains that could be uncomfortable to discuss with a parent.  You also do not know what is going on in your child's life outside of your home.  There could be stressors at school, socially, or in another home you are unaware of.  Be a safe and supportive space for your step child so regardless of what is going on in their lives, they have an adult they can turn to when things get rough.  Step parenting is not for the weak, but follow these simple rules, and your relationship with your step child will be strong well through their adulthood. 

Ghosting is the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone an individual was dating for any amount of time.  This trend seems to have become an unfortunate norm with the rise of internet dating. Rather than ending a relationship, people seem to be simply no longer communicating with their dating partner without providing a reason. People everywhere seem to be watching their phones wondering why that last text or call went unanswered. It seems no matter how long a relationship had been going on, the pain of suddenly being ignored is extremely real. More often than not, it can be a struggle to wonder what went wrong, what the problem could have been, and coping with self blame.  These questions can haunt a person which is unfortunate as this simply does not need to happen.

This phenomenon occurs for a number of reasons, none of which may satisfy those that have been on the receiving end of such an experience. It seems people are so very scared of the break up conversation that they are willing to cause the unnecessary pain that follows a ghosting. Sometimes it is the fear of the reaction that will be received that can cause such behavior. Perhaps they had been through a difficult break up in the past and wish to avoid any and all difficult break ups in the future. Some people simply want to avoid being uncomfortable, and will cause others pain to avoid their own discomfort. A simple thanks but no thanks, or a I'm just not that into you may take courage to say, however it seems a vast majority of the dating population seems incapable of exhibiting this courage. 

Showing respect to a relationship, or the people in that relationship is the defining characteristic to a healthy relationship whether it continues or ends. Taking the time to end that relationship in a definite and finite way exhibits true character.  Taking the time to let someone down says a lot about who you are, as does letting them forever wonder what happened. You might ask yourself, what would you prefer if you were the person being broken up with? Showing compassion for others whether you want to be with them or not defines your character, as does complete avoidance. Do not let the ghosts of relationships past keep you up at night by working toward a respectful end for relationships with someone you may have have one time cared for.  

How we speak to each other in relationships can often determine how successful the relationship will be. Being positive and speaking positively to others will set those relationships up for success. This includes positive communication as validating and positive speech that will reinforce positive behavior. Simply said, if you want to see a behavior repeat itself compliment the behavior. Practice this exercise until it becomes second nature and your relationship will blossom. People generally love to be complimented and will often repeat behaviors should they be positively recognized. 

All too often we will find ourselves focusing on the negative. In communication with your partner you may find yourself saying "Can you not pick up your phone at the dinner table?" This may be seen as a criticism and may not be well received.  Try changing your word choice to "I would love it if you would wait until after dinner to answer any phone calls." This would be perceived as a suggestion as opposed to a criticism and therefore would be better received.  You have the power to change your relationship by simply focusing on how you communicate with your partner. Be mindful, be positive, and enjoy the good feelings that will result on both sides of your relationship. 

       Nightmares can happen at any age, however seem to start up around preschool age.  These night time bumps in the road can be particularly terrifying for children as they can not rationalize away various cues in these dreams brought forth from their subconscious.  As far as your child is concerned, there is a monster in their closet and it is scary. Regardless of your child's age, you will want to help combat these nightmares to make sure your child can get a good nights rest. 
        It is important first to consider whether the child experiencing nightmares has been through some sort of trauma.  In this case, you will want to find professional help regardless, as this child is most likely reliving the trauma in his or her dreams.  Dreams are a way for the subconscious to work through various events, which is fine as long as those events have not been terrifying. Be sure to address the trauma as soon as possible, to ensure the terror in the night does not become a regular occurrence.
               Children who have not been through trauma can still experience nightmares and will need your help as their parent to process through them. If your child gets out of bed be sure to bring them back to their own bed. Show them there is nothing to fear by being in their own room. Be careful not to dismiss their fears entirely, but rather, be a sport and check under the bed, open up the closet doors, as well as any other possible hiding places.  You child will appreciate the peace of mind that comes with having checked these possible scary spots without having felt as though their feelings have been dismissed.
                  Once the perimeter has been cleared, tuck them right back into bed, letting them know you will stay for awhile to help them get through the rough moment. Ask them what happened in their dream, asking them to explain step by step.  Often what happens in their head will be much scarier if it is not voiced aloud. Speaking the fear into existence will allow your child to rationalize out the reality of their concerns on their own.  If they need a little help with that piece, well that is what you are there for. 
                 Teach your child to defend themselves against the offenders in their dreams.  Should someone be chasing your child, tell your child to stop in their tracks, turn around, and face their attacker. Ask them how they might win an argument or a fight with this attacker. If they are unsure, offer your own ideas, without judgement.  Is your child being chased by a vampire bat?  Share with them the idea of catching the bat with a butterfly net, complete with garlic hanging on the rims, as vampires could not possibly survive being exposed to garlic. You will be surprised of what years of horror movies and Grimm's fairy tales will have prepared you for in these situations.  You may even become your child's own personal hero for helping them get through these precarious situations.  Once everyone is snugly tucked back in their beds, you can all rest easy knowing no matter what, you will get a good night's sleep.